Initially I said damn, I wish that was my GF. i could get away with murder. But upon deeper reflection I realize my greatest assets would be wasted. A $7 swap meet Whitesnake loincloth isn't legendary if you can't see it.
For fuck sakes, there's only 2 things capable of further emasculating a 4"9' Japanese man that's too small for Baby Gap's summer line. One is the Air Safari line at Six Flags. The other is whatever the shit is going on here.
This is dangerous. More dangerous than the time I evacuated a week's worth of Domino's MeatZZa fest thin crusts through the window of a moving vehicle. Actually wait, that was bravery. This is just stupid.
My fappy-sense tells me this is about as credible as Lil' Kim's skin color... but I do find her neurotic moans and full-body dry heaves fascinating. Real? Fake? Don't care because you'll ejaculate to anything with a pulse?
After seeing all 3 JAWS movies, I think deep sea should top the list of "stuff you shouldn't shove your face into". Now a 400lb type 2 diabetic planet of ham on the other hand... that's got originality written all over it.
Today's Lesson: Halloween is not limited to 1 day on the calender, "Freddy Bangs White Girl" is more cannon than the last 4 movies combined, and watching a burn victim lay teh pipe is strangely erotic. Quiz tomorrow.
2 things I truly respect in life: a) virginal voyages and b) overachieving Asian women. Add tits that are big enough to require a congressman and you're officially on the bucket list. Right next to this sleight of hand.
Some wisdom I picked up during my 6 hour stakeout of a bathroom at a monster truck rally: You get what you pay for. And by the looks of these leather handbags, I'd say this bitch used Groupon at the time of service LOL.
There's not many things more emasculating than being told the cunt you're currently inside of was being used as communal property. Save for being Yusaf Mack, I'd say this bro is comfortably in the #1 spot for a while.
I've seen some pretty awful CGI in my day. Dwayne Johnson in The Scorpion King, that glacier scene in Die Another Day & the entire Stephen King library. But this? This has heart. And tits that moistened my pantaloons.
My African acquaintance in the entertainment industry has long told me porn & music simply don't go together. Upon the 11th time stroking my spring roll to this masterpiece, I'm beginning to think he's a fucking liar.
Let's go on a trip back to Family Guy season 2, episode 14 at the 5 minute mark (fuck you, I had to look that shit up) and reflect. This is birthplace to the infamous cherry/buttcheeks scene. PROTIP: It's even better IRL.
Don't be hoodwinked by the "I drive a Ford Festiva and collect irregular Oreo cookies" appearance: This DTF GF may have the interior design of a blind New Jersey resident, but she is no sex noob. Let the sodomy begin.
Scabies? Heat rash? Mikhail Gorbachev's forehead transplanted to her ass? I don't know, but dude kept his underwear on for a reason and it wasn't to be the most fashionable Serbian with prescription medication.
Skip to the end. The part where he goes 4th of July inside the walls of her meat wallet. If the consistency of his brand doesn't scream 'i maintain a steady diet of yogurt, honey & Elmer's glue' I don't know what does.
One time something Japanese-related decides not to censor genitalia... it involves a love doll built for Verne Troyer. But the key phrase today is: LOVE STORY. This has one that would make Twilight shit it's pants in envy.
OK maybe just 1 way. Specifically #3 in this prehistoric gallery. While the others have come and gone, this little gem remains unexplained. Why is he erect? Why is she attacking? What episode of Charles in Charge is on TV?
It's 2AM. You're cruising the net with a level 5 boner - what can go wrong? I'll give you a hint. It involves an unruly sex toy, momma's holiday-only stash of anal lube and more homoeroticism than One Direction's breakup.
Dirty Sanchezes, Donkey Punches - pretty timid stuff by today's Internet-standard. But check out #3. It's unarguably the most repulsive shit I've seen since Jaden Smith's Twitter account. English version HERE.
Becky and the blind Guatemalan she hired to ink her orangutang booty have some explaining to do. I think it's best you find the nearest wood chipper and lower those cheeks into it. Even FEMA can't help you now.
Nevermind the fact that she sounds like MADtv's Stuart being clubbed to death with a Louisville Slugger. I wanna know what's up with the suspicious fade-outs at 5.35 and 6.20? She looks pissed! #CrankThatSafeword
Choke her, slap her, sodomize her, lace her Tampax Pearl with liberal amounts of Dave's Gourmet Hurtin' Habanero Sauce. There's all sorts of fun ways to a dominate a woman. PROTIP: this isn't one of em.
I can forgive the potato-grade camcorder quality. I can look past the fatass's synthetic stunt cock. But the inexplicable use of French's mustard as an anal lubricant? 0/10, you premature balding, slovenly fuck.